FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
