someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
