My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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