Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
