Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
