Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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