my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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