I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize