"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
