college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
