it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm bleeding and have questions
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
