ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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