Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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