fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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