taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
