how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
