my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
