I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
