Plan B is the new Plan A
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
