I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
