My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
