Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
