Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
