and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize