she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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