Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
