The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
