my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
