It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
