Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I came so hard my ears popped.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
