Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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