Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
