I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
