I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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