nut hugger
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
