Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
