Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
