So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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