woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
