You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
