I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
