Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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