I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
