so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
