i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
