you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
