Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
