security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
