I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
