There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
