boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
