Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize