Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
