So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
