Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
