So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
